Serious

[Sick]

I haven't blogged on here in a while. I'd like to keep my posts here relevant to what the site's about, but I'm not a person who likes to face his insecurities often. I originally posted this on myspace. Add me on myspace by the way. I'd like to have more people on there and not bands. myspace.com/sick_re. I'm a self-promoting whore.

I'm gonna try to be serious in this one. I say try because my nature is to be sarcastic and to put myself down. I'm more of a pessimistic optimist. Down on myself, but love everybody else. I'm not a shrink, but I'm sure there's some reason behind it all. Anyway, I'm bored and feel like writing. There's two motivations behind this post. One, to let the folks who don't really know me get a sense of who I am. Two, for me to get a sense of who I am. I don't know this guy that well because I've been living blind, numb, and selfish for too long now.

What brought this on is that I've been drifting back towards the selfish indulgent prick that I can be. I don't get why I keep doing this. My real friends haven't seen this fool yet. I'm only the prick when I'm around people that don't matter and never really will. When I'm around friends, I'm the shy, quiet kid that they've always known. It's amazing that I'm still reserved with people that have known me for years. It's a trust thing. I don't fully trust anyone. It's not a fear of their judgment, because I've never been afraid of how people see me. No one's a harsher critic of me than myself. It's more a fear of if they see the real me, would they still wanna be around that cat. I don't know if I can ever trust anyone, even though there are people that have shown they can be trusted. Again, I'm not a shrink, but I'm sure you wouldn't have to dig deep to find the source of my mistrust in people. I suppose you could call it a fear of being alone, and yet I feel that I am. I live my own worst fear.

For years now I've been praying for death. And I do mean praying. I'm still an atheist, but I'm so desperate that I'm making a plea to someone I don't believe is there. I thought about suicide, but I see it as the cowards way out, and that's not how I wanna go. I settled on the military. The Marine Corps to be specific. I figured there's a major conflict going on, and they need all the bodies they can get. A descent way for me to die. I've given up on this though. It's a lot of work to go through just to die. Maybe I'll just pull my cell phone out really quick while talking to a cop. There's a host of political reasons for me not joining the military, but I don't want to get into it.

I've resigned myself to a wasted life. I'll live in poverty, becoming a parasite that takes advantage of peoples inclination to help the less fortunate. I see no bright future for me. My motto lately has been "No hope, no fear." I'll face any danger, because I don't care about the outcome. I've already started down the path. I drink hard damn near everyday. And not beer either. I'm talking as much whiskey or vodka that my stomach can handle in a night. Maybe I'll die soon. I'm still young, so my liver has a lot of fight in it. But it'll lose eventually. I've quit at a lot of things, but I'll won't give up on alcoholism.

Nearing the end of this post I'm questioning why I'm even publishing this for everyone to see. It's my own self-loathing coming back to haunt me. I'm doubting if anyone cares. I'm doubting if anyone will read this, or read this far after they realize how depressing this shit is. It comes across as self pity, but I wouldn't call it that. More a search for clarity. If I didn't have this outlet, I wouldn't be writing anything at all. I'm starting to see this post as pathetic and I'm putting myself in a funk. I gotta bug out. Peace & Love my friendo's.