Insanity...Maybe?

[Kelsey LeAnna Smith]

I'm sorry for those who read this and I end up making no sense to you, but at least I know what I'm talking about. I'll go to one topic then the next without a point, just an emotion.
How can one love someone with all their heart body and soul and you go through everything with them for 2 years and your on and off again with your so-called soul mate...that's what we both thought...he was my Romeo and I was his Juliet....we would say this too each other.What a load of bullshit. Then when you think things are okay the significant other does a complete 180 and is a different person...literally... not the same loving caring gentle soul. But a cold heart bastard? But I say these things and don't mean to be so cruel...but it's the truth, he lies, he cheats and it's as if he doesn't even realizes what he does to me, he is so use to his lies that it comes oh so natural to him. Or maybe he does he's just use to me always being there for him, he always thought I would be there no matter what. Will I? Will I always be there for that arrogant prick? Again I say all these cruel things about him and yet still love him unconditionally. But why does he lie to me so much? Why should I believe someone who says they wanna stay in my life, even if that is as a friend and then they turn around and make me out to be someone I'm not...make me out out to be like the wrong doer. Make me out to be crazy??....But maybe that's what he wants me to feel. Maybe he just really has lost love for me..jerk...Why do people change? If it's for the good I can understand but when you change for the wrong...why? Why do the people that do good or at least try to do there best get the heart ache pain and confusion? While all the back stabbers liars and cheaters get what they want...God only knows. Maybe Karma will eventually catch up to them. Right? I'm sick of this. Maybe Karma has caught up to me....maybe I just need to go through the bad to get to the good again.. why does it hurt sooo much? Heartbroken literally feels like your heart is shattering into a million pieces slowly but surely crashing to the deep depth of the ocean......But my other side says get over it, he'll get his and that I deserve to be loved because I have much love to offer, I am a good person...when will that be though? My biggest fear is to be alone for the rest of my life....and as of right now I am so alone. Call me crazy, call me ridiculous for thinking this way. True I am still young, 19,...but in the amount of time being alive I have severe trust issues(because of dead beat father, so called friends, and so called loyal relationships), anxiety, I don't love myself(and I choose not to) had a miserable childhood fighting with my sanity. True it isn't as bad as most, it could be worse I tell myself. So I am thankful for the things that could have happened to me but haven't. But messing with someones heart isn't a game to me. Messing with someones head isn't a joke either. They say you can only truly love someone else after you love yourself. It's the opposite for me. I only love myself if someone else is in my life loving me....I must sound crazy.

[Leigh]

Wow that was...a lot of things I wish I was, I wish I could say, and I wish I knew. Not entirely confusing but hell, lot of emotion.