I wasn't hers I was...her tragedy.

[Jo]

These are just...a couple of poems I wrote. The second one is the most personal to me, because I AM the result of a teen pregnancy.

Her Greatest Fear

You want to know me?
What I am when no one's watching?

Well, last night I sat in the very middle of my bed
Chewing on paranoia
Rolling thoughts around in my head
And drawing grotesque
Faces...and people and things
Just waiting

It doesn't matter if you're looking or not
I will always be a mistake
The first time my mother felt me
I wasn't hers I was...
Her tragedy
She never looks at my face
--I have his face--
And calling me daughter
Just never feels right
Because it haunts her when she sleeps
What happened that night

I am the rough
Result of sex and violence, suffering and pain
Her greatest fear
His game
She was cold and alone all the time
She couldn't tell anyone
Of why I was inside
I know that she loves me
But it's so hard to look in her eyes
And not see the thing that happened
The event that has given me life

What I am when I'm alone
Well, I've never had a disguise
The true nature of me is too sick to hide
The innocent, the mistake and the virus
At the same time

What I am is almost
Pathogenic to me
Are suicidal thoughts considered a disease?
My mother has to wake up to me!
To those memories!
Wake up again and again and again!
Every morning to the same thing
I'll stay in bed a little longer today
So she can have some peace

Maybe tonight I
Will go to sleep
To the breath of carbon monoxide
Painlessly
Or I'll find some cyanide
To poison my bloodstream
I don't want to take a chance of this going awry
Making a mistake

I'll leave a note for mother
So she knows why
Mom, you don't have to look at my face

It doesn't matter if you're looking or not
I will always be a mistake
The first time you felt me
I know that I wasn't yours I was...
Your tragedy
You never look at my face
--I have his face--
And calling me daughter
Just never feels right
Because it haunts you when you sleep
What happened that night
And I feel like it'll never be alright

Happy Birthday

Hi.
This is me, wandering inside the smallest corner
Forever searching for the rest of the world
Me. and so many other things I can't seem to find.
This is me, writing words about my self
Why I'm here
Why I shouldn't be.

Yesterday I found a card from the world. From everybody
To the Mistake
'Best wishes to your smallest, most insignificant life'
And happy, happy birthday
With the most delicious imaginary cake
And the emptiest room full of people
Who love me and know my name
And I just want you to know that I'm okay with you forgetting
It's not that important to me anyway.

This year I decided to take the time
I set a goal for my self
I'll use the gifts they gave me
I'll...take their pills and drown
Wear this mask so no one knows
That I'm invisible
You can't prove anything
When my smile is impossible to make out

No one can see the words tattooed on my skin
Follow!
Deceive!
Fail!
Agonize!
Pretend!
Again
& again and again and again and again

I stand alone and congratulate myself
From Me to the Mistake
'Best wishes to our smallest and most insignificant life'
Happy, happy birthday
With the most delicious imaginary cake
The very biggest table under a mountain of gifts
The deepest blue my illusions can make
& An adrenaline rush from the largest fall my body can take
Because I believe
That's right...I believe
That I am invincible
The mistake
The one that's too late to erase

I feel so angry all the time
All my
Longing cries of Happy, happy birthday
Fourteenth anniversary of the day you feared the most
When you thought you wanted to die
Did you want me to just die?
A murder and a suicide
Revenge for all the things they said
Behind your back
Revenge for showing the true nature of your friends
For being the evidence
That he took away your innocence
For telling the truth
For being the biggest mistake
For embarrassing you

Here I am, a walking disease!
A lesson learned:
Another result of teen pregnancies!
Mom and Dad were angry when you told them about me
As I grew bigger inside of you
Everyone in the world could see
You...at fifteen
And then they saw this thing

I became your life
And I could make a list of all the dreams
I took away.
I am the nightmare you woke up to every day
Hey.
You got to miss those forbidden sips of beer you friends just had to taste

Why didn't you erase me when you could?
Me, the mistake?
Why didn't you murder me in your womb?
At your age you could have
And no one would have blamed you
It's so much to go through
I wouldn't have blamed you

But thank you.