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[Mich3ll3low]

I feel so guilty when I do things like this.. because I always blab about my feelings.. but whatever..I want to express them in anyway harmless..
My boyfriend is mad at me..i think he's going to break up with me because of all the trouble I've given him.. Him and his family, his self esteem... I've given problems to everyone close to me..I can't blame them for that.. I'm suicidal, I get mad easily, I'm not forgiving. not even to myself..I'm everything no one wants to be...I feel so guilty..but i don't knoe if my instincts are right.. they're telling me that I should break up with him because he doesn't understand me and he doesn't treat me the way I want him to.. But then again he's so troubled..with school, family, friends.. It's like he barely has time to spend with me but I've spend days with him and he doesn't do much about it... I don't believe that he thinks about me every moment..but then again hes a guy..but then he just doesn't understand how I feel about my life.. he doesn't understand rehab and my longing to run away from my home and everybody..It's this stupid cycle..So.. that's why hes thinking of breaking up with me..he just wants to end this cycle..and now I'm the one that has to fix it...I have to fix everything by myself like I always had..
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I don't want to let him go because he's such a good person but he's almost the complete opposite of me..I don't want to kill myself because then I wont knoe if this would end up great..
But I'm not stupid..I guess I'll do it for my own good.. I need a change in attitude. I need to trust more people(even though I probably will never fully trust them >< ). I need to respect people ..but I always tend to find the negative qualities of people right away. But I want to change this time >< !! I knoe I'll probably never get to see the people I truly love again...No matter how much i want to..I want to see them so badly.. But I guess I have to stick with the people i have.. I'll never forget them tho..
I'm doing all this for a guy..