Pain

[Sick]

One of my friends recently asked me if I had ever been into self-harm or mutilation as a way of coping with shit. I gave him the same answer that I give to pretty much every question: sort of. I've cut, I've burned, I've intentionally broke bones. It wasn't so that I could have something to distract me, it was more so that I could feel anything. I've pretty much gone numb. I don't really know how or why. I can take a razor to my skin and just saw away without any pain at all. I put my cigarettes out on the palm of my hand. I slam my fingers into heavy doors to break my fingers. I punch trees until my hands are covered in blood. I headbutt brick walls until I can't see straight. None of that works. I just don't feel the pain. I wish I could. I don't feel anything. I suppose I should clarify. I can feel. I just don't get any emotional connection out of it. It's like "Oh, I got a cut. I suppose that's why my arm feels like it's throbbing". I know when someone is touching me, and aside from making me uncomfortable, I don't get anything out of it. No pain, no pleasure, nothing.

I guess I've had a violent life. It's not like I grew up in rough, gang-infested neighborhoods. Just boring suburbia. People like to fight the fat kid. I'd take their punches, wait for them to get tired, then level 'em. I've been hit so many times that maybe I've gotten desensitized to pain. To this day I associate all physical contact with violence, and it's why I tell people to not touch me. Especially if I'm not expecting it.

Maybe cocaine did a number on my nervous system and is still effecting me. I know a bit about the drug, but not the long standing effects it can have. Maybe five years of a steady stream up my nose took it's toll. It had to in some way. It was still worth it to get clean. Two and a half months.

I wish I knew a way to change it. It's made me a bit distant from people that care about me. Especially women. Sex doesn't have much appeal when you don't get anything out of it. I really want to change that. It's just tragedy when you can't enjoy sex. And there's someone in particular I have in mind to change for. If you know anyway to help, I'm completely open to suggestions. What I'm doing obviously isn't working, and I've got nowhere else to turn. Peace and love my friendo's.

[brezzy]

well not really sure on what to do but i have selfmutilated from my 6th grade year up until freshman year. havent done any of that for 3 years now. ive just not back in june found someone that can tolerate me being a little distant because im so afraid of getting close to someone. its hard to sit there and tell myself its okay to have feelings and its okay to show emotions since i pretty much blocked off everything for 4 years. you just gotta find someone that you can trust and know that they are going to be with you through the hard times and can understand why you are the way you are right now. im not sure what coke does.. i never got into that stuff. just a bowl here and there.. dont let anyone tell you that you need counseling, figure that out for yourself. counseling and hospitals did nothing for me. i just quit mutilating by myself after a while because it wasnt satisfying and it got old for me.. so i just smoked.. alot. sorry if this long ass paragraph seems to be choppy but im pretty bad at getting thoughts out and them making sense. i hope this helps you out some and like always.. ill always listen :]