Lady Samantha

Hello! I am 19 and an undergraduate student at Illinois State University as a string Music Education major. My main instrument is the viola. Now, I doubt anyone will really bother reading further...

I have grown up badly. My parents were never there so they had a family down the street raise me (I am an only child). The family mainly ignored me. I was raised in isolation 5 out of 7 days of the week. My friends joke that I was raised a feral child. Because of the way I was raised, I shy away from physical contact. Even friends that I've had sind kindergarten have had to ask permission to hug me. But as of the last year or so, I've been invading my friend's & anyone else that I care about's personal space. Free hugs for them all! The plus side is that I grew up knowing what freedom is. It is still one of the most important things I have.

I have quite the odd case (seeing as I have yet to personally meet someone eslse outside my family with the same issue). I suffer from a very slight case Manic-Depression (or Bi-Polar Disorder). I am currently untreated.

I also had a huge addiction to pain killers for 2 1/2 years back in high school. I still have a weakness for them especially when I am depressed. The worst part is that no one noticed that I was constantly high (even in school) and that I was taking so many pills every couple of hours. It also doesn't help that my body easily becomes addicted to drugs. I can't have more than a glass of wine otherwise I can't stop myself & start feeling withdrawal from it the next day.

I have also suffered from many abusive realationships with guys. The first guy I dated when I was 14 cheated on me, emotionally, physically, & sexually abused me, & tried to rape me. Everyone at school believed him for about a year when he said that I was lying, so I was constantly called a slut, whore, & a liar in the hallways. I contnued to have that bad reputation throughout the rest of high school because of him, even though I am still a proud virgin. The second guy emotionally & sexually abused me & constantly tried talking me into having sex with him. He also constantly told me how messed up in the head I was & that I was going to a therapist as soon as he could afford it. The third guy left me for another girl just because he felt sorry that she's had a crush on him for years & that I didn't make him laugh enough (wtf?!). The fourth guy emotionally abused me quite heavily. Everything had to be his way & I was always wrong. And he treated me like I was a damsel in distress. We fought a lot. Most of the time I would actually just start screaming at him, which I do not do. Ever. I'm too mellow & it's near impossible to piss me off enough to make me even consider raising my voice. Because of them, I don't feel like I'm pretty enough to attract a decent guy & I'm quite weary of men. I constantly think that I'll end up alone (Anyone want a future crazy cat lady to live in their neighborhood?).

The worst part is that I've never told my parents any of this because they would call me liar, like they always do. They think that I just want attention from them, which is the exact opposite. I want nothing to do with them since they never wanted me around until high school, then suddenly they loved me & claimed that they were there for me & wanted to be with me (Oh, yeah. I'm pretty damn bitter towards them about that). Only a few of my friends know & they can't help me because they don't know what I'm going through, so I greatly appreciate anyone's help & advice.

The good from all this: I am strong & stand up for what I believe in. I am a fighter. I am proud of who I am. I have learned from my mistakes in the past & I hope that I can help others learn from them, too. It also gives me a reason to live, to write my poetry, to play & write my music. And I am a very proud & happy Wayward Victorian Girl <3.