The mirror is telling lies

[Kayla Shadows]

Hello.Im new here on this site..and I'm not even sure if I even belong here yet.Sometimes...I don't know where I belong.I am transgendered and have had a incredibly hard time over the years with what I see in the mirror.Lets just take something as a example...Ok,say you hated green.It was the worst thing in the world to you but,every day you were told you had to wear it.Everyday you were told your supposed to like green..."your supposed to like green and your going to wear green".You would hate it wouldn't you..and this is just the color of clothing.Imagine for a second that it wasn't just a piece of clothing were talking about...it was your body.Everyday you woke up and stared into the lie hanging on the wall..the lie over the bathroom sink,in your bedroom,wherever that mirror may be.How absolutely horrible would that feel.Sadness turns to despair..despair turns to anger...anger turns to hatred...and pain goes from pain..to pain..to more pain...and you just want a exit.Every relationship gets destroyed,..you dont even know what to feel..or how cuz you are so lost.The uncontrolable cycle thats one darkness to another...and you think...you really dont have to pass to die...all anyone would have to do is take a good look into my eyes." she looked into my eyes..and placed her hand upon my face...but she failed to see....all life was erased". My last relationship ended and I woke up to what is really going on..I let myself hate myself and hurt other people for it.All it does is cause more problems and more pain and Im so sick of this.So..as of February last year,the picture on my profile that you see now,the one that Im sure many people hate me for and think Im a freak for but, that is me.Sometimes it is my curse..but it also my sanity and salvation.

I basically wanted to see what anyone thinks of this or can relate it to something in their life.I havnt much but Im really open to talking about thingsThis can even be a broader topic of acceptance.Accepting people for who they are and understanding it is ok to be different.The same right I give to others to be themselves I expect to be passed on to me..and if not then we are two very different species.I am very much a middle finger and a fist when it comes to equality.I think we are more then a answer a human being can come up with.If something is wrong to someone,I think its just wrong for their life.If they have a problem with the way I live my life..well..thats their problem.

[Rochelle Freed]

I know kinda how u feel my name is rochelle i'm new to this site and new to this whole thing i don't have a myspace and don't really even know how to email but I'm giving this a shot! I really admire u and your stength, my uncle is gay and I have seen alot! but I think your right it's your life so do what's right for you! I can also relate a little bit onhow you feel with some stuff! i suffer with a mental illness and it's rough, people judge, critisize, and laugh because they fear what they do not understand! keep your head up and stay positive that's what keeps me going!

[XMETAL_MASSACREX]

Greetings! I wanna say you absolutely most certainly you belong here...you, me, and the rest of us the world looks down upon because of our differences. I wanna say thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. I honestly wont try and claim I understand what you're going through, but I will say that even to this day...I wake up and can barely stand to stare at my reflection. I hate my body. I hate that this world is so unforgiving and closed minded that they push all of us aside, because we stand up for what we believe in. I would love to talk to you more :) I hope you will continue to speak out and stand up for who you are..cuz already I think you are an amazing person

[evilpuke]

I must play the part of Jiminy Cricket. Good for you for hopefully coming to terms with yourself and giving your soul some rest. What happened before that though. Somebody got hurt by you, you said so yourself. Somebody got hurt who probably did not deserve. You hurt somebody because you were hurting, you hated yourself. I really don't want to rain on your parade, but you can't ever forget. I know some relationships can never be repaired (believe me I know). Just hope you can prevent others from doing the same.

"Wisdom comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment" - who gives a shit who said it, just heed the lesson.

[Cheez Romance]

hey i might not know you and i may never get the chance to know you, but i can honestly say ... i love you with all my heart. you are beautiful no matter what you see in the mirror and you have earned my respect for being who you are.

[Cassie Taylor]

Kayla Shadows, God you are so brave! I am so proud you have said this. Its incredibly courageous of you. Well done, darling.

Now, I dont know how you feel exactly, but myself and so many others can understand completely what you must be going through. But just doing this shows incredibly strength, I really admire you.

I think you are an amazing human being...you've experienced life's real pain and that makes you so much more beautiful.

This site and the people on it, including myself welcome you with open arms. You are what is right with this world...I really hope you find what you're looking for.

You are gorgeous, never forget that.

[girl]

Wow, you really seem like an amazing person, with one of those *i am who i am * personalities. I think that is the mark of true beauty and courage. I feel more enlightened to all the differnt people in the world just by reading that.

And I totally have to say I know exactly what your talking about when you describe the pain you go through, how you describe hating the person you see in the mirror, I can't speak for everyone here, but I'm sure you'll fit in perfectly here.

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you for the wonderful comments.Ive been really moving ahead with things. I noticed the comment still stressing about what happened before but,Im here for the now.I think we all know that hurting people is wrong.We just dont always have the grip we would like on our emotions.Sometimes things go out of control,we learn from them and move on.Its not such a light deal but,all we have is today.We cant change what happened and we have to learn to forgive ourselves.Shaking your finger seemingly 5 months after a incident like,"look what you did",doesnt seem to have a benefit that i can find.Its way too late to help what i could not control at that point in time.I know what i did,hope others dont make the same mistake and if they do,i hope they learn something from it.

[Amy]

I like green!