The mirror is telling lies

[Kayla Shadows]

Hello.Im new here on this site..and I'm not even sure if I even belong here yet.Sometimes...I don't know where I belong.I am transgendered and have had a incredibly hard time over the years with what I see in the mirror.Lets just take something as a example...Ok,say you hated green.It was the worst thing in the world to you but,every day you were told you had to wear it.Everyday you were told your supposed to like green..."your supposed to like green and your going to wear green".You would hate it wouldn't you..and this is just the color of clothing.Imagine for a second that it wasn't just a piece of clothing were talking about...it was your body.Everyday you woke up and stared into the lie hanging on the wall..the lie over the bathroom sink,in your bedroom,wherever that mirror may be.How absolutely horrible would that feel.Sadness turns to despair..despair turns to anger...anger turns to hatred...and pain goes from pain..to pain..to more pain...and you just want a exit.Every relationship gets destroyed,..you dont even know what to feel..or how cuz you are so lost.The uncontrolable cycle thats one darkness to another...and you think...you really dont have to pass to die...all anyone would have to do is take a good look into my eyes." she looked into my eyes..and placed her hand upon my face...but she failed to see....all life was erased". My last relationship ended and I woke up to what is really going on..I let myself hate myself and hurt other people for it.All it does is cause more problems and more pain and Im so sick of this.So..as of February last year,the picture on my profile that you see now,the one that Im sure many people hate me for and think Im a freak for but, that is me.Sometimes it is my curse..but it also my sanity and salvation.

I basically wanted to see what anyone thinks of this or can relate it to something in their life.I havnt much but Im really open to talking about thingsThis can even be a broader topic of acceptance.Accepting people for who they are and understanding it is ok to be different.The same right I give to others to be themselves I expect to be passed on to me..and if not then we are two very different species.I am very much a middle finger and a fist when it comes to equality.I think we are more then a answer a human being can come up with.If something is wrong to someone,I think its just wrong for their life.If they have a problem with the way I live my life..well..thats their problem.

[maximgunmillie]

I just wanted to say I think you're very courageous for coming out and saying exactly what you feel. I hope you can learn to love yourself and not be afraid or oppressed when you do what you feel is right. :)

And I hope you feel welcome on this site as well. This is a place for growth, and we are all fighting our own different battles, but in the end that's what unites us. :) So you are not alone!

[Xev]

Welcome friend :)

[Ash]

Kayla Shadows,

You are without a doubt (just by reading this) one of the most beautiful human beings on this planet. To allow yerself to break away from the mold is an extremely courageous act that I personally would not be brave enough to do if I were in yer shoes.
If more people were like you than I believe the world would be a better place, but we all know this planet is cold and narrow minded.
If people refuse to accept who you are from the inside out than what can you do? Do not aspire to be who they think you should be. Being “different” is bound to cause controversy but this is no excuse to give up. If life were easy it would be boring. It is up to us as individuals to show the rest of the world that it is indeed ok to be yerself.

If you ever feel alone or you need to rant and vent to someone, my inbox is just a click away…and there are a lot of people on this site who would be willing to help you or just listen to you.

Take care.

~Ash~

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you everybody.I didn't know what to expect when I signed up.I was hopeing to be able to find people who were accepting here.I know everyone cant be.I can find unacceptance among people who are just like me.Because if your not doing things in "the way" your supposed to when you are trans,well,then you must not be "real".In the end,what they think does not change who I am.A quote I liked is:"I seek for no other persons opinions of me to define who I know that I am, for it is not what they think that makes me, but what I know I am made up of."

I let too many people shape the way I saw myself.All the negativity and hatred from people who care nothing for me was allowed to seep in and take control.I found myself trapped in a state of self hatred and started to believe all the lies.That's all they were though...lies.Its really taken a lot to see that .It becomes even harder when you put yourself down for not being that picture of perfect in the magazine..or on tv.Wanting it so bad but knowing it will never happen...because you are everything they say you are..but,your not.Your something more than the worlds shallowness and hatred.Nothing is perfect..and it wont ever be.People do some very drastic things to acheive that inner peace of being that object of beauty..but,they had it all along.Seeing someone being able to be happy in their own skin..being a thoughtful and careing person...having a open mind and looking outside of what was taught...being a friend...having a beautiful soul...that is beauty to me when I shut my eyes from the disease spread though the tv.All of its attempts to make you believe that perfection exists...playing a twisted shepherd,trying to gather and lead the sheep into the wolves mouth...destroying yourselves to obtain the unobtainable....they are a cancer....spreading the lies we fall for...Change is in the air and it starts with each and every one you.When we be ourselves,there is nobody to fail but us.A battle we will be victorious in.Be yourself and love who you are.There is no one else like you.

It all starts with you.Break the chains...destroy the restraints that hold your heart and mind captive..you are you and you are beautiful

"Opus est te ipsum eam morum mutationem facere quam videre optas"

"you must be the change you wish to see in the world"

I am with you! The only thing you have to be is..you.

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you so much :) Fear is a very hard thing to overcome.We have to find the courage and strength inside us to be the person we want to be...but you have to want it enough.Ive rode dirtbikes before and really respect the people who dare.One of them just recently died.When you go off that ramp,its courage that you had.There is a possibility of death but you hit that throttle.Ive had hard time when I didnt feel my true self and let fear stop me.I really believe its better to live a short life with courage then a long life with fear.Im not here to press you in any way.Whatever way you feel comfortable to live your life is beautiful.All you have to be is the you that you want.If the you you want isnt who you are,there may come a day when you had enough of the disguise and live the life that is who you are.

Thank you for your words.I accept you just as you are :) You dont have to be just like me.There is no one right way to be trans.You just have to be it in your way.

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you :) Sometimes things are still hard but Ive really learned a lot.Living in fear and hating who you are isnt a way to live.If you free yourself and just be you,life is much more enjoyable

[Jamie]

I don't know you, but from reading this I believe you are an amazing and beautiful person. I look up to you for being strong and telling people how you feel and not being afraid. Don't ever stop being you, there's nothing better. Welcome :)

[KerrieVan]

I think its increadibly brave that you can say all of this and that you can open up. I know a transgendered person, I dated them for two months and I still love this person very much, hes an incredibly close friend and I dont know what I'd do without him. And what you say is very close to what he says as and feels aswell, I was one of the few people he opened up to. But you should know that you're a beautiful person and even if you feel that the world is totally against you, just know that there are people who love and cherish you for who you are.
Kerrie.

[Charlotte Tracey]

I think you're beautiful, I love that picture too (It looks professional). And just like everyone else said, you are brave for not taking people's shit and doing what you want to do for you, and you absolutely do belong here.

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you everybody.Im still on a long road which sometimes feels like there is no end but,I try to hold my strength.I have a ways to go with putting the pieces of my life together.I still have to work as a guy which is difficult on my mind sometimes.Its so hard to...want to be yourself but,continue to be someone else.Wanting to do something but,then knowing you'll be looked at strange for it..or knowing how your treated will be different.So you just have to sit there and pretend...while your body is just hurting so bad inside and you just want to escape and go cry.

[Leigh]

I hadn't seen this before but Kayla, I look at your picture and you are so beautiful and then I read your words and I just want you to know that I do admire you, like so many others have said, because you're strong and you did what you felt was right for you. I couldn't even imagine how it would feel to be a transgender but I respect everyone who makes that decision. It takes so much to go through with it, and for all that strength I definitly admire you.

Maybe one day you'll see the beauty that we all do as well.

[Jeffery Scott Hartman]

my bestfriend is trans, i've known him for about 6 years, i knew him when he was a beautiful girl, and now he's a handsome man, i was there for a good amount of his transition period, and we even helped him pick out his name, i lost, so i picked the middle name. i respect people who pick thier life style to thier requirements, and not others. Trans is a big decision, but there are people who will love you regardless, if they don't fuck 'em.