Self Harm

[Kieran Clinch]

Hey i would like to hear about peoples experiences with this touchy subject:

i started about 2 years ago. i thought i would just try and see, i did it and i thought WHAT THE HELL im never doing it again but from that moment on i secrety knew i would do it again, it was a way out now. i decided to make a blood book and write down how i was feeling but it just made it worse. everyday for about year and a half cutting, deeper, longer, i found myself lost in this love .. it was nice i didn't want to leave it but i knew i had to. anyway..

if you got any questions ask em dudes

[Ash]

You’re right, this is a touchy subject and it’s hard to talk about my personal experiences with it but I think for anyone who reads this and is thinking about self mutilation it might help. I’m not trying to give anyone any ideas here, so please let’s stay mature on this subject and not use these stories as a guide line.
I started when I was about 14, not because I was depressed…or because I wanted that attention. In-fact I avoided attention if anything. My family was leaving our home town to go to another place where no one knew us because of something my sister went through that I can’t began to talk about…but any ways, I just fell into this routine of living inside myself with no false realities to slip into…like TV or radio or even a nice book to read. Where I was living we barely had heat except for space heaters and the water was from an open whale that any creature could crawl into so we went to our neighbors. My mother became addicted to her pain medicine and my father worked his ass off doing whatever he could to make sure we ate. My sister had her out let through people at school but I never was good at talking to people, and my little brother had the same. So pretty much I was alone. No one came by and visited me, no one talked to me to make sure I was ok. And on top of that I was very sick. At the time I did not know it, but I have Crohn’s disease which was only diagnosed a few months before I turned 18…this year. My family thought I was bulimic but had no idea I was literally going crazy and becoming numb, cold, and heartless. One day I found a broken razor on the bathroom floor because I had stepped on it. I liked that. Without even thinking about what I was doing I started running it across my leg where I knew my pants would hide it. I liked that even more. I felt like I had SOMETHING ya know? Something no one else had, or would know about. Like a love affair really. I spent hours laughing and slashing not thinking about later consequences. All my socks had blood stains on them, but my parents never noticed. I can’t remember why we left…but I felt more like myself again when we came back home. However I was still craving that pain because honestly I didn’t have closeness still.
I did stop though. My fiancé is very good at being my outlet, even more so than my writings which I didn’t have before. Now I live with scars on my legs, and lighter burn marks on my arms that resemble smiley faces…heh, that’s almost funny.

~Ash~

[Kieran Clinch]

thanks for sharing. i know what you mean about the whole seeing it as a love affiar. the worst thing about it though is that it becomes an addiction.. like a drug.

[Ash]

It really does.People who don’t know that high you get from it look at it as a cry for help, or something that you should just stop. They don’t understand how it truly becomes a part of your life like a cigarette addiction (which I have one of those too). Of course I hope they never do know from experience, but it is a dangerous game. I also wish people would stop trying to “understand” the problem. Either you get it or you don’t. Don’t poke at people if they don’t want to share their personal life. Ugh, I’m going off into a rant again. It just gets so frustrating when I see people who got into or are still into self mutilation being pressured into talking about what they were feeling, or why they didn’t just stop…I know some people just want to help, and be there for their loved ones because I’m the same way. I love helping people. But if someone isn’t willing to talk, give them time! Just let them know that you’re there for them when they need someone.
What is it about this site that makes me so comfortable with going into my little rants, or “life stories”? lol

~Ash~

[Rarity]

i self injured (si) for 11 years. it's hard to get out of. but i think it's also a relief knowing that it's still there.... ya know what i mean?
this isn't much of a touchy subject for me. i love to support and comfort others out there who have this "addiction." it CAN be VERY deadly. but i believe there is a difference between cutters and suicides. if you are a real cutter you know how deep to go. if you are a suicide you just don't care. cutters do this for release.
i stopped needing the release.
the only regret i have for my years of being a cutter is now i am left with this body where i can't wear shorts or a bathing suit. i can't even wear capris. my body is covered with keloid scars (ya know, those big red/pink bubbly sensitive scars.) i'm not ashamed, i know others just won't understand.

[Kieran Clinch]

in response to that not being able to wear shorts n' stuff i have a different view on that. because i knew that the cutting was only for me and for my satisfaction im not afraid to show em. yeah your probably thinking that oh well your a show off then.. hell no. the majority of my cuts are on my arm so.. lets say its summer and i have these scars and its FREAKING hot i just wear a tee and let that be an end to it and if peole ask YO DUDE what are those i just say... vicious cat most of them go ok ok dont worry about it but there are a few that actuality believe it.

The real answer to the whole addiction is the chemicals in the brain that rush to scab over the wound, endorphins i think there called. they give a rush, like adrenaline to your body .. hell there GREAT but bad if self brought on mentally i meen.

But the whole science bit doesn't really solve the problem WHY do we do it. everyone has there reasons for this pain. my reason is escape, to run and feel connect to the world. when i cut it feels like no one is looking at me for once. i've hurt alot of people but... to be honest i don't care.

if you don't like it then fine but it's my choice.

[Rarity]

no i don't think you are a show off. i don't hide the ones on my arms either. the ones on m y legs are just bigger and don't seem to fade. i just don't like the looks and the questions :/

[Kieran Clinch]

ahh know what you meen and i cann understand that completely

[Becca Maurer]

Self harm
I struggle with this to this day
I give kudos to you talking about because it is a touchy subjuct
I do believe its horrible to ever start cutting
most people its simply desperation
for someone to notice
that they are struggling
other people like me tho
well... u can see my profile for my story

[Shelby]

I started cutting back when i was 14.. and i kind of quit when i was 17.. get the kind of? I've had a few slips of finding a razor blade and wanting to do it.. but i never did.. i'm still working on the urge.. sometimes it gets so bad i can FEEL the razor sliding across my wrist.. I stopped because i did go too deep one day, i almost killed myself. which was my intention but no what the deep down inside of me wanted.. I think cutting is stupid and rediculous and if anyone wants to try it. Don't. It's an addiction i don't think could ever go away completely.. It doesn't even help get rid of the pain.. In your heart i mean..

[Jade]

I struggled with self mutilation for about 9 years, and sadly, it's STILL a struggle from day to day. People that knew about it asked me "Why can't you just stop?" and what they don't realize, is it's just as much of an addiction as smoking or drinking... and after you've done it for a while, it becomes such a habit of day to day life, that you end up doing whether you're upset or not, its just like brushing your teeth in the morning... at least that's how it got for me.

All I can say is if you have a secure support group or a close friend that you can call or go to when you feel like hurting yourself, FORCE yourself to get a hold of that person. Call someone, even if they don't know about your situation, and shoot the shit with them, or go for a walk, or a drive... do something that'll keep your mind off of it. I used to scrapbook a lot when I was cutting... I'd get old magazines and make page after page of different collages to occupy my mind and keep it away from how tempting that razor looked.

I know different things work for different people, but I'm just listing some of the things that personally helped me...

[Kara]

... I've done the same. 3 years ago, shit got messed up and I got depressed as fuck, I decided to try self mutilation. I found it dumb, but as the days went on, my cuts got deeper, as of lately, I recently stopped. I have found happiness in other things, such as music, poetry, straight up writing, reading, and just talking with people. I have scars on my arms and stomach saying Hated, Vile, Whore, Useless, No Hope, and Slut... I hope you can all get better. It's a hard, sad thing to go through...

[brezzy]

when i was in middle school i started cutting. most of it was because of my family life. i felt like my mom didnt care and she was always busy with either work of her weekly boyfriend so i had to step up and be the parent to my 2 younger sisters. it got worse when i finally met my real dad in 7th grade. everytime my mom was mad at me the yelling went from something i did wrong to me being a mistake. i went to the mental hospital twice but it didnt change anything. as soon i was discharged i started up again. it started to become more of cutting out of boredom and comfort, not as much being depressed. i liked the feeling of my skin breaking and blood running down my arms. then, it went to burning myself. i didnt like the feeling as much as a razor or scissors. eventually, in 9th grade while i was living with my grandma, i stopped cutting and burning on my own without having a counselor help me or being locked up and monitored 24 hours a day..but i was popping pills and smoking pot(which may not seem like much to some people). basically i o.d.ed a few time on my depression meds given to me by the doc and it just made it worse. after going to the hospital for taking too many sleeping pills i stopped that. the only reason i fond myself smoking was to be someone other than myself. i thought "just smoke enough to get high and make the world seem like a cartoon or videogame". i could live without being high for a couple hours and whatnot.. i never got to the point to where i would get pissed off and not want to do anything unless i was high. i just rather be numb that fully aware of everything. but now i have found someone that can actually stand me being around and they can accept why i am the way i am now and i dont do anything like that stuff anymore.