Im a fucking wreck and a complete bloody disgrace.

[Cassie Taylor]

No, really. Ill tell you all the bad things that have happened to me...I know there are poor people but there with so much worse, but I know that this shit that keeps happening to me must be a fucking sign!

My first boyfriend was three yrs older then me. Long story short, he took me home, made me sleep with him, went to sleep and left the next day. I didnt hear from him that day or the next three and on the fourth he dumped me by text.

2nd boyfriend. I was going through a stage in my life where I was insanely lonely...out of the blue a guy I know asks me out. I didnt want to say yes, but I felt so alone. We went out for 4 months.

He always forced sex onto me, if I said no he would either nag ALL night till I gave in or he would get very mad at me...either way he always got what he wanted. I remember he asked for unprotected sex, I said no and he still tried to do it...again and again. He was much stronger then me.

He always made fun of my appearance. He KNEW how fucking bad I hate myself...but he would always make jokes about my weight...telling me we couldn't do this or that because Im too fat. Making fun of my face...how I wore my make-up. How I dressed.

Never held my hand in public....he was ashamed and I knew it. He wouldnt tell me though. He would constantly comment to me how 'hot' some girl was walking past us. Yet if I even uttered a WORD about the opposite sex, he would get shitty with me.

He was an alcoholic, one night he told me in a very calm manner that he didnt want to scare me, but he might hit me one day. A few minutes later he abused his mother, calling her racist names...he didnt remember any of it and said I was 'full of shit and making up fucking lies.'

He lived with us, and he never payed board. When the time came to pay he would stay at his fathers house to get out of it. He used up all our money, ate all our food...

He doesn't remember me dumping him.He was drunk, of course. He accused me of cheating on him and left me horrible messages and voice mails. "You're a fat black hearted emo....I hope you fucking die. Go get hit by a train, Id feel more sorry for the train. Go cut your wrists with a chainsaw you fucking fat emo." The msg lasted at least 5 minutes. He wouldnt stop calling me and abused me. Turns out he cheated on me when he went to a friends party and left me at home...hypocrite.

The next day he realised I hadnt slept with anyone (wouldnt matter if I had, this was AFTER we broke up) and he was crawling to me. Oh Im sorry, I just saw red, I love you ...no, wait it was 'I wuv you'. Makes me fucking sick.

Well, of course I didnt take him back. And because of that, he hacked into my e-mail and Myspace and changed all my passwords and addresses. Still havent recovered them.

Four months of that I nearly killed myself. I had never been so depressed in my life, then I was when he was near me. He would tell me I was immature for not laughing at his jokes...WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

He lives in my town again, and Im fucking scared to leave the house. He has spread disgusting stories and lies...I wont be the same again. I know written here it doesnt sound as bad, but it was destroying.

I was gang raped when I was 14 by 5 men...I was also sexually abused by a male family member when I was 4 till I was 6.

Suffered bullying at school from grades 2 through to 8, I dropped out then. I never finished school, and I cant get a job.

I get teased by adults in shopping centers. I get rotten food thrown at me, spat on and beaten by complete strangers.

I have no friends...I spend all day and night in my room. I dont remember the last time I was actually TRULY happy and content with myself and my life.

Because I have so many mental illnesses, I have completely ruined my mothers life...I know...she told me more then once. Our fights can get so bad...she tells me she wishes she was dead...Im a bitch...selfish...I remember she used to tell me when I was 8 that she wished she could take a knife and fucking drag it across me and my brothers throats.

She married again. I fucking HATE men...Im sorry...but if a man comes near me now I will fucking shake, and cry. I cant be near them...all of a sudden Im fucking moving into this guys place with mum. Noone sat me down and spoke to me about it...noone asked me how I felt. I was fucking hurt, pissed off and ready to kill someone. I was 11 and some stranger was taking my mum away. If I said anything I was being an immature little bitch and hurting mum.

Everyone I have ever known has hurt me...and Im sure Ive done the same to some people.

Im full of so much fucking hate...I hate men, I hate the people in my town, I hate my family, I hate the world, I fucking loathe myself...Im doped out on meds and I will have to stay on them for the rest of my life.

Im such an angry, violent, ugly fucking person...Im a goddamn monster now.

I wont love again, I wont try again and I sure as hell wont let anyone in again. You know whats really sad? The more time passes, the more comfortable I feel in this state.

I need help...I dont know who from...NO MORE psychologists...Ive seen 15 since I was 12...I cant do it anymore. Im sick of it. I dont know what Im gunna do if this keeps going. I really need help...please...Im asking strangers, I know, but this is all Ive got left really.

[evilpuke]

Your not fucked up enough to shoot people on Ft Hood.

[Mr Monster]

Anybody who says anything bad about you doesn't deserve your attention or you acknowledging that they exist because when you move on with your life and out of that shit town they won't matter anymore.

If it were in my power I would kill every one of the assholes whoever ever pushed themselves on a woman.

I fucking hate the concept. It infuriates me to no end. I banned from a Mall in Vermont because, when visiting with an ex named Amber, she got scared and ran off from me. When I followed her she pointed out that her old boyfriend Chad was there, a boy who had pushed himself on her and attempted to rape her when she didn't want to have sex. I instantly tore ass down to the Burger King he was in the line of. The facts of the situation are Amber was a graduate, I was a Sophomore standing at 6'2" and 210 at the time, and he was well beyond graduated and used to be on the wrestling team, atleast 6"0 and 200lbs, but don't quote me, but you wouldn't have known it by the time I was done with him. I tapped him on the arm and said "Is your name Chad?" He replied "Yeah, do I know you?" I said "No, my name's Cory, you used to know my girlfriend Amber right?" He replied "Yeah, that stupid slut." I lost my fucking mind and blacked out. So much fucking adrenaline at once that when I came to and calmed down I was being dragged away from the Burger King line, my fists bloody and bruised up, swollen for the next two weeks, being beaten with night sticks the mall guards and local police had because mall security wouldn't step in until police arrived. I had been thrashing him for five minutes and throwing off anybody in the area attempting to remove me, which I was told was a good crowd of people too ignorant to jump me at once instead of one or two at a time. I had, in my anger, shoved Amber and didn't know it, but apologized copiously for two hours later that day. Broken 3 of his ribs, his nose, fractured his cheek bone, broken his right wrist, bitten his neck and arm, and left a bone deep laceration on his forehead somehow (I'm assuming it was from punching him and breaking skin). He was hospitalized for 3 weeks, bedridden for 1 of those weeks. He took me to court and I couldn't be charged because I was a minor, and the judge found it hilarious I he had taken a beating so bad from a 16 year old kid. Amber promised me never to do that again, though she had never told me of another guy that had abused her. I had to ice my hands for a while and get myself and Chad blood tested because I had cuts on my hands and he had bled everywhere. His right ear, nose, forehead, shoulder, right arm.

My mom taught me one thing above all while raising me. Respect women, and I hold them in godly regard. Even the shitty ones, unfortunately, and I take it very seriously. I consider myself an honorable gentleman (and have remained such to the age of 21) and refuse to let shit like that go unpunished.

UGH... It's so fucking annoying to hear that shit.

[evilpuke]

There is a guy in Austin I'm looking for, same situation.

[Mr Monster]

They all need to be publicly burned, then, once they're confirmed dead, be pissed on to put out the fire, then their burned carcass left to be eaten by wild animals.

[Charlotte Tracey]

I'll tell you right now, just the fact that you are still here today after all that shows that you are a very strong person. I would say the best thing to do is to just get as far away from all those people as you can. Move to a nice suburb somewhere. If you're younger than 18, you can get divorced from your mother (I just drew a blank on what it's called...). But basically the government supports you until you are old enough to take care of yourself. Use the system as much as you can to your advantage. If you can't afford plane or train tickets use a courier system. It's like a mailing system, they pay you to deliver a package, and you get a free trip somewhere. Look up support centers as well for people that have gone through the same things you have. You might be able to find some people there who can relate to what you're been though and can help you more than any amount of online strangers could.

I wish you luck, you deserve so much better things.

[Cassie Taylor]

Thank you...seriously. Thank you guys so much. I mean, when I was about to send this, I was thinking you know, who would even believe that or who would take it seriously. The fact that people I dont know are willing to help is amazing to me. So thank you.
evilpuke: if I'd had my chance, I would have...trust me.

Mr. Monster: You know, I dont condone violence...in fact I hate it...but there ARE some people who deserve to get their faces kicked in, and Im glad you showed that fucking son of a bitch just a little of what he deserved. Im so sorry about what he did to your gf. NOONE deserves that. Its great to hear you are someone who will stand up for women, I wish more men were like that, especially around here.

Charlotte Tracey: Thank you so much for your help, as well. I dont think I would be a strong person by now...Im as weak as they get. Must be some reason, but I hope you are right. Thank you for all of the info you gave as well. Im 18 yrs old, so I could move anytime I wanted (thank you anyway=]). Its just I know I wouldnt survive on my own...never been on my own, though Im certain thats the problem.

Honestly, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys have helped so much more then any goddamn therapist or psychologist has. Probably because you guys are genuine with what you say, and because you have all been through pain and suffering before. Whether its the same kind as me or not, you still know what it feels like.

Thank you.

[evilpuke]

Well I'm glad we helped, but your still going to have to face the world someday. Nobody going to be able to help you except you on that. Opposition will be at every corner. One day though you will wake and say "so who the fuck cares what you think or feel". There are two places where I care what the world thinks of me. My work, and my wifes work. Those places I tread lightly. Everywhere else, I am what I am.

Shooting random people is never a good answer. I spent seven years in the army and I still live in spitting distance of Ft Hood. I do take personal offense that you would do that. You beat the shit out of one, the rest will think your crazy.

Of course were genuine, tis why were here and not verbally bashing each other on craigslist like the rest of the sheeples. laters

[Cassie Taylor]

Alright, I apologize if I offended you or anyone else in any way. I actually didnt know what Ft Hood meant until this morning...I thought it was a saying over there or something, so I am sorry.

I wouldnt really shoot people. I dont understand one thing though...?

If that would offend you, me saying that, why would you bring it up in my post?

Just an honest question...not being smart =]

I do appreciate your help as well. You guys might not say much but it makes a world of difference, especially coming from people who can relate.

Once again I apologize and I thank you.

[evilpuke]

Because I had just watched the story on the news a couple of hours after it happened and it was on my mind.

I accept your apology, thanks.

[Mr Monster]

Love, peace, and chicken grease.